


Accidentally / Purpose

by FaeriMagic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Mild Language, Other, POV Second Person, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:06:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5159750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaeriMagic/pseuds/FaeriMagic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though you were a relatively decent mage, sometimes you made mistakes. This was one of those times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidentally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted this to be gender-neutral, but the reader ends up wearing a dress. But then again, boys can wear dresses, right? Plus, it happens during Halloween. ouob
> 
> There is a Halloween flashback.

The smell was...overpowering. Intoxicating. _Atrocious._ Your mind reeled as the scent fluctuated from the perfume of the Garden of Eden to the foul odor of a pool of feces. Dropping to the ground and gasping for air, you heard your fellow partner also collapse beside you.

"W-what went wrong...?" you said as you struggled for your wand during a brief spell of citrus breeze. The two of you were in the midst of brewing a rather tricky Truth potion. Making a Truth potion was a rather complicated task, and this was only the second time you’ve ever tried brewing one. Only capable mages were allowed to attempt making one and even then a number of things could still go wrong. Evidently, this was one of those times.

Sugawara wheezed. "That belladew extract must have been expired." He said before gagging on the stench of rotting durinatto. "That or...I added too much sugar."

" _E-Enshaetic._ " You gasped as you rapidly flicked your wand in the air. Gradually, the heavy-hanging miasma abated until the air returned to normal. You exhaled while grimacing at the white cauldron in front of you. The clear liquid that swished in the pot seemed innocuous enough, but occasionally, a wisp of red would appear in the ripples before fading away.

You picked up the ladle and gulped in apprehension as you drew a small portion of the mixture. While Truth potions were complicated to produce, the ingredients they were composed of were never lethal. At worst, a Truth brew gone wrong would addle the mind for a brief period or so. The High Association of Mages (or H.A.M. for short) intensely discouraged ingesting mistake brews, but it was common practice in the magical community because of the morbid curiosity that many mages had.

“[name], let me try it.” Sugawara offered. “I know you don’t like drinking mistakes. Besides, I’m pretty sure I was the one who messed up the potion.”

You passed the ladle over in relief. After an embarrassing incident with a defective vocal potion that lasted for a week, you were often reluctant to ingest mistake brews. Sugawara, on the other hand, loved the antics that often came along with the defective potions. You kind of admired his guts, and even laughed along with him whenever he came under a potion’s effects.

Sugawara had been your friend ever since you joined the H.A.M. five years ago. At the time, you were intimidated by the more elite mages who often looked at the new, sect-less inductees with disdain. Often times, you were assigned menial, tedious tasks that often drove you crazy. It wasn’t until Sugawara invited you into the newly formed Karasuno sect where you finally felt you belonged somewhere.

You watched Sugawara as the clear potion pass through his lips, notating in your notebook how the defective potion interestingly made Sugawara’s lips redder before averting your eyes. He swished the drink around before finally swallowing it, taking a moment to ponder on the aftereffects that he felt. “How do you feel, Suga?” You asked him.

The boy stared at you for a few seconds before finally giving his response. “It tastes anticlimactic.” He sighed as he set the ladle back down. “After that whole fussy cloud of odor earlier, I would’ve expected _something_ to happen.” He ran his tongue over his lips with a disappointed look on his face. “It tastes _bland_. I don’t feel anything different.”

“Alright then, I guess we’re done here.” You said as you wrote down his observations. “Do you want to run this up with Shimizu?”

The sudden suggestion caused Sugawara to jump. “Ah, uh no. Actually, I’d rather just stay here and clean everything up.” Sugawara said hastily as he quickly went to drain the cauldron. A tell-tale flush could be seen on his cheeks.

You raised an eyebrow and tried to laugh. “Alright Suga, if you say so.”

* * *

The thing was, as much of a flirt Suga was, he was hopeless under Shimizu Kiyoko’s beautiful spell. The woman was practically a goddess, and she was one of the three leaders of Karasuno, only surpassed by the gruff commander, Sawamura Daichi, and the ruthless tactician, Ukai Keishin. The Elegant Tamer could easily have been a wily seductress if not for her complete lack of interest in the romantic arts.

Simply put, even though she unwittingly captured the heart of the man you desired the most (and almost every other man, for that matter), it was impossible for you to hate the tamer. All you could do was remain in the shadows and carry on with your tasks, hoping one day this painful unrequited love would just _disappear_.

“[NAME]!!” A voice suddenly broke into the room as the door slammed open, startling you and causing you to drop a vial of violet essence.

“ _Oh merciful Haruichi_ , goddammit Suga!!” You screamed as you stepped away from the shattered vial. You leaned onto a table as you tried to calm your pounding heart. Sugawara was panting, as if he had ran very quickly from his last symposium. There was a worrying urgency in his eyes that made you feel anxious. “Is everything alright, Suga?” You asked him as you carefully collected the broken glass.

Sugawara sighed in relief before giving a sheepish smile. “Everything’s fine, [name].” He said as he crouched down to assist you. “I just...really wanted to see you.”

You flinched as you accidentally cut yourself as a stray grain of glass. You would have easily brushed away Sugawara’s statement if not for the strange tone that accompanied it. As you watched Sugawara alarm over the minor injury, you feel a strange trepidation from his previous words.

“What seems to be the problem?” You said, trying to keep your voice level.

“It’s just...” Sugawara bit his lip as he quickly applied a bandage to the small wound. “...never mind! There, now you’re all patched up!” He said with a grin. You frowned. Now you were even more concerned.

“Suga.” You said firmly. “Tell me.”

He smiled thinly. _Ah, you saw right through me_ , his face seemed to say. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” He said in a quiet voice as he gathered the broken shards and threw them away. “I keep on remembering your silly little face, your grin, the way you laugh. And then, yesterday night, I realized that I...” He drew a deep breath and looked away. “...liked you.”

* * *

It was your first Halloween at H.A.M. The institution was usually a very posh and elitist society, but Halloween was one of the rare times where its members partied themselves silly. Unfortunately, you were tasked with serving beverages so you didn’t get a chance to have as much fun as you liked.

You were dressed in the standard staff uniform. Traipsing carefully through the dancing throng of people, you orbited around the campus and handed out glasses of wine to tipsy guests. It was during your route through the large gardens where you spotted a familiar-looking vampire.

“Hello, sir. Would you like a beverage?” You said, trying to push down your smile.

"Why thank you, [name].” Sugawara grinned as he took a glass. After a sip, he spoke again. “You know, it's a shame that you’re stuck waitressing while everyone else is having fun.”

“Do you want to take over my shift?”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Thought so.”

“Still,” He said before smiling cheekily. “I don’t think they’ll notice you if you went and enjoyed yourself a bit. Plus, I don’t think they’d complain if someone like me _ordered_ you to stop serving everyone.”

“But then, I’d technically still be serving you.” You pointed out.

“Oh my gosh, [name]!” Sugawara sighed in mock exasperation. “Just change your clothes and go dance!”

“Fine, fine!” You chuckled as you set down your tray of drinks and went behind a large hedge. “But if I get in trouble, I’m blaming it on you.”

You took out your wand. A wardrobe spell was very easy to perform, but there was always a chance that something might turn out wrong. Nakedness was not uncommon, so it was better to hide behind something in case things went awry. After you chanted the spell, you came out from behind the hedge and revealed your costume to Sugawara.

“You look beautiful!” Sugawara gushed. You had chosen to dress as a woodland fairy, but it revealed quite a bit more leg than you were used to. You felt a light breeze pass over your bare shoulders and wondered if you should have conjured a shawl. “Something’s missing, though...” Sugawara trailed off as he looked around at his surroundings before plucking a yellow carnation from a nearby pot. “There!” He beamed as he tucked it behind your ear. “ _Perfect._ ”

Crap, you were suddenly aware of the rapid beating in your chest. His fingers barely contacted your skin, but the surrounding area felt like it was on fire. His smile was too blinding, and you wanted to run away but your feet couldn’t move. As you gulped, you heard a commotion far away and shielded your eyes from a brilliant light.

The large pair of doors opened and out stepped Shimizu Kiyoko, followed closely by her apprentice Yachi Hitoka. Almost immediately, a hushed awe settled among the guests in the courtyard and a few of them even approached the beautiful sorceress to give their compliments.

“She’s so lovely...” You whispered. Dressed in a stunning black peacock dress, Shimizu looked ravishing, almost sensual, as she waded through the sea of lovestruck courtiers towards Sugawara. You looked away, feeling ashamed at your pathetic and childish fairy garment. Even Yachi, who was dressed as a innocent angel, managed to look prettier than you. You suddenly ached once more for your plain work shift. At least then you’d belong somewhere.

“Sugawara.” Shimizu said courteously as she did a small curtsy. (Yachi nervously curtsied several times.)

“Shimizu, Yachi.” Sugawara smiled as he returned her gesture with a bow. “Isn’t it a marvelous party?”

Shimizu gave a thin grin. “I’m glad to see that you are enjoying it.” She said.  “Sawamura and I have spent most of the night discussing Sensory Potions with the Nekoma sect, particularly the Reactive Agent. They have dropped a few cryptic hints, but we still haven’t extracted the full recipe yet.”

“Come now, Shimizu!” Sugawara laughed. “Working on Halloween? You should be dancing the night away!” Shimizu’s smile became a bit more genuine as she covered her mouth. You could see a few male mages begin to swoon nearby.

“Sugawara, I’m taking advantage of the spirits’ effects on the guests. You’d be surprised at how many secrets Bokuto will spill when he’s had a few glasses of rosemary gin.” Shimizu gave another chuckle as the music suddenly became lively with the sound of trumpets and bongo drums. “Well, I just came over to see if you were doing alright.” She said as she smiled warmly at you. “I’m glad that you’re having fun. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to meet Misaki. I have a feeling that Johzenji might have hijacked the set list again.” Shimizu and Yachi gave another curtsy before they tried to make their way through the crowd once more. (It wasn’t even thirty seconds later when Tanaka and Nishinoya trapped her in spell of overflowing compliments.)

“Working even on her night off, I swear to god.” Sugawara said as he shook his head.

“She’s also part of the Karasuno sect?” You asked, trying to make conversation. Since you were just a new initiate, you still weren’t very familiar with the higher ranked mages.

“Yes, Shimizu is our sect organizer.” Sugawara nodded. Was it just your imagination, or did his eyes brighten up? “Daichi, Asahi, and I, well we’ve been trying to create our own sect for many years. It wasn’t until Shimizu got Takeda to become our sect representative that we finally became authorized last year.” Sugawara gave a small smile as he took another sip of his wine. “We owe her a lot, really. Without her, Karasuno wouldn’t have existed.”

You bit the inside of your lip as a chill lingered over your shoulders. You regretted abandoning your shift. You rubbed your arms as a means to give yourself some warmth. Sugawara didn’t notice. Instead, he was distracted by a loud question a couple of feet away.

“Kiyoko!” Nishinoya asked earnestly and loudly. “Who is your ideal man?”

Shimizu paused. She looked at Nishinoya directly for the first time that night before replying coolly. “ _Nonexistent._ ” Shimizu said before she returned to the main ballroom. In that moment, you saw Suga’s eyes lower as the familiar traces of hopelessness clouded his face.

“ _Why do I love her so much?_ ” he murmured quietly to himself.

You wished you never heard those words. You swore you could hear your heart break. “I’m...I’m going to the bathroom, Suga.” You tried to smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Not bothering to hear Sugawara’s farewell, you slipped away through the crowd. You’ve seen that look before. Countless times. You’ve seen the way he looks at her, the way he covers his mouth after every single conversation with her. Even you couldn’t miss the fact that his cheeks reddened ever so slightly whenever he talked about the girl.

You splashed some water on your face. The restroom was dim, and the lively music echoed faintly in the space. Alone, you tried to wash away the tears that were silently streaming down your face.

Jealousy. You felt so pathetic feeling jealous of Shimizu, but you couldn’t help but feel inferior to her. You were plain. You didn’t have a chance. She was lovely, smart, and most importantly, Sugawara liked her. The two have known each other for years, whereas you had only known him for a couple of months. How could a mage of your caliber ever win his heart?

Yes, it would be better for you, better for everyone, if you backed away.

You spent the rest of the night in that bathroom, wondering if there ever was a way to erase your heartbreak.

* * *

“I realized that I...like you.” Sugawara said. You widened your eyes and took a step back. That was the one thing that you didn’t expect to fall out of his mouth. The man was madly in love with Shimizu, and this single statement contradicted all that you knew of Suga in the past five years. As you frantically wondered why his feelings suddenly changed, you remembered something.

“Suga.” You said shakily.“I don’t think you should have drank that potion yesterday.”

Did you accidentally create a love potion? Impossible. Love potions were insanely difficult to create and all attempts of creating one was forbidden. Countless mages have tried to create a vial of the elusive liquid, but they never really worked as expected. There was one particular incident somewhere in the 1960’s where an affected person fell in love with their partner’s nose of all things. In the 1980’s, another developed a passion for their girlfriend’s clipped fingernails. The closest things that had been developed were ones that elicited Obsession, Infatuation, and Arousement, and even then the recipe was restricted to only the highest ranked mages. But a love potion was the only explanation you could think of.

A pained expression appeared on Sugawara’s face. “You think that what I’m feeling is the effects of that potion?” He gave a weak laugh. “I guess that makes sense. I should have known that you didn’t like me that way.”

“But I _do_ love you!” The words flew out of your mouth before you could stop it. Shit, _no_. This was _not_ supposed to happen. A feeling of dread settled in your stomach as you watched his eyes widened.

“You love me?” Sugawara whispered as his face reddened.  A dorky smile began to flutter across his face. For a split second, you forgot. You forgot the past five years as you basked in the realization that for once, those blushing cheeks were meant for you. _You._

“No, wait, Suga...” You said in a strained voice. “You don’t love me. You even told me that you loved Shimizu, remember? She’s much smarter than me, she’s much p-prettier than me...” Dammit, you were crying again. You never meant to spill out your insecurities, but you had to in order for Sugawara to remember who he was. “You two would make a great c-couple. I love you Suga, but I don’t want your love if it’s just the potion talking!”

There. He had to see that it was all a lie. His love for you was a lie. His words were a lie. Even if you succumbed to the potion’s spell, you would be haunted by the fact that his love wasn’t _real_.

Tender arms wrapped around you. Raising your head, you felt a gentle thumb brush your cheek. “[name].” Sugawara said softly. “It’s true that I loved Shimizu very much. I was madly in love with her for many years, all while knowing that my love would forever go on unrequited.

“It was painful.” He continued. “I knew that I was just like all of those other guys, caught in her web of perfection with no escape.” Sugawara brushed a strand of hair away from your face. You couldn’t flinch from his gentle touch. You couldn’t push it away. As much as you hated it, you longed for his caresses once more. “Last night, the heartache was worse than ever. I wanted my love for her to end. I wanted to love someone new, someone who would return my feelings.

“Funnily enough, you were the first person that popped into my mind.” Sugawara laughed quietly. Small tears were beginning to escape his eyes. “I’ve only known you for five meager years, but you somehow became one of my most cherished friends. I remember how you always would study into the night whenever we learned a new chapter. I remember how you always tried to distract me whenever I felt down. I remember those little tunes you sang under your breath when you thought no one was watching.” When he passed his hand over your ear, you realized that he had magically procured a yellow flower in your hair. You recognized the flower by its scent immediately.

“Carnations.” You whispered. Sugawara smiled.

“I remember calling you beautiful.” He murmured. “That was real, don’t you remember? It seems I’ve loved you all this time. I just had to let go of my infatuation with Shimizu in order to see the truth.”

“The truth? Then you.. you really...?” Was it possible? Was this really happening? Was it really not a dream? Was this really how Sugawara felt? You let yourself believe that it was so. Perhaps, the defective brew was simply a clarity potion. Maybe he really did return your feelings. You felt relief wash over yourself and thought that this was what you wanted. This was what you were waiting for. _Your happy ending._

“Yes, [name].” He pressed a kiss to your cheek. “ _I love you_.”

* * *

You were waiting for Koushi at the restaurant, having agreed to a night out from the stressful research you two were currently involved in. The restaurant was elegant, yet quaint. The floating crystals above pulsed with warmth and light as they danced along in the air to the music. A faint breeze wafted through the room, and you thought you could smell a faint trace of peppermint.

He was late tonight, but you weren’t worried. Symposiums often took much of his time, and there was that occasional mage who wanted to ask the man a few questions after they ended. As you took a sip of your daffodil wine, you saw a certain silver-haired sorcerer in the corner of your eye.

Koushi bursted into the restaurant in fit of exhaustion. You giggled as he apologized to the maître d'. “Sorry, I’m late, [name].” Koushi said as he sat in the chair across you. “Did I make you wait long?”

You leaned over and gave him a kiss. “Not long.” You smiled. “So what was it this time?”

“Oh, uh, Hinata wanted help with his fire spikes.” Koushi said quickly. You raised an eyebrow and grinned. You tasted a lie on his tongue, and knew he was hiding a surprise. Why else would he go through all the trouble of reserving a seat at such an expensive, extravagant restaurant? “How was your day?” Koushi asked you as the waiter arrived to take your orders.

“Kiyoko and I were able to get a mind blocking spell from Shiratorizawa.” You said as you ordered eglantine soup. “Tsukishima has been asking for it for awhile.” You continue talking about how the tactician-in-training has been asking for spells and potions lately. Koushi nodded his head and listened to you throughout the dinner, but you noticed he was a bit distracted.

It was after you had finished your main course when he finally placed his fork down. “[name].” He said suddenly. You looked up, concerned. He only ever used that tone if he had something serious to say. “I’ve known you for over six years. Yes, we’ve only been dating for only one, but it feels like I’ve known you my entire life.” Koushi’s expression softened. “You mean so much to me, [name]. I can’t imagine living without you, it’s like you’ve become a part of me. So...” He took a deep breath before reaching into his pocket.

“[n-name],” Koushi said before procuring a small black velvet box. _No way!_ You gasped as he opened it to reveal a blooming rhodochrosite ring surrounded by small leaves of peridot. Koushi was proposing to you. _He was proposing to you._ This was a day you had only imagined in your wildest dreams. Oh, damn, you could feel the waterworks starting. “Would you do me the honor of...” Koushi blinked. “Of...” He coughed.

“...Koushi?” You asked hesitantly as he suddenly flinched. “Are you okay?”

“I’m _fine_!" He said vehemently, before repeating more quietly. "I'm fine, I just...” His eyes were unfocused as a sudden coughing fit racked his body. A few of the other dinner guests eyed him worriedly as he hacked and wheezed. With each cough, his hands shook and trembled. He seemed even more exhausted when his coughing subsided. Koushi took a few deep breaths before raising his head. He looked at the box in his hand in a confused manner before glancing up back at you.

Suddenly, he dropped the box with an anguished cry and scrambled out his chair. The red-pink gemstone shattered onto the table as the peridot leaves broke from the ring and flew to the ground. “Koushi?!” You were worried, scared. On his face was an expression that was unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It was like a combination of shock, sympathy, and _guilt_.

“...[name].” He said in a weary, despairing voice. “The potion from last year... _it wore off_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Mage AU I came up with. The H.A.M. is composed of various sects. It is a very elitist association, and while new initiates are always pouring in, non-sects are looked down upon and often bullied. The H.A.M. is more of a research facility than a school, but teaching courses are available. Because of its elitist and snobby nature, though, the sects mainly operate independently and tend to keep magic secrets to themselves. Shimizu's job is to network with other sects and compromise on sharing their knowledge. It’s a very slow process. At least one elite mage representative is required in order for a new sect to be authorized. These elite mages have no real power in the actual sect; they are just here to make sure none of the Association’s rules are broken. Takeda is Karasuno’s representative.  
> Around the year, there are tournaments within and outside the school. Other magic institutes are affiliated with H.A.M, such as the Freesia Academy. (It’s star pupil is Nanase Haruka. ;D )
> 
> I'm thinking of writing a sequel. Not right now, though. I'm very tired now. If I do write a sequel, I'm thinking of just putting it in a series rather than making it another chapter. But that's something I'll worry about later. 
> 
> Love potions are very interesting concepts. I like the idea that it's difficult to produce something that will be able to manipulate love. Besides, love potions are very non-consensual anyways. :P
> 
> This fanfiction contains many plant meanings as well two fictional plants.
> 
>   * belladew: combination of “belladonna” and “dew”.
>   * durinatto: combination of “durian” and “natto”. 
> 

>   * violet: “a love that is delicate” (Source: http://www.gardenguides.com/82340-meaning-violet-flowers.html)
>   * yellow carnation: rejection, disdain, disappointment (Source: Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plant_symbolism)
>   * rosemary: Remembrance.. (Source: Wikipedia)
>   * Peppermint: Purification, Sleep, Love, Healing, Psychic Powers. (Source: http://www.photovault.com/Link/Food/PlantsHerbsSymbolism.html ) (This one isn’t as important, lol.)
>   * Daffodil: Uncertainty, chivalry, respect or unrequited love, return my affection; new beginnings (Source: Wikipedia)
>   * Eglantine rose: “A wound to heal” (Source: Wikipedia)
> 

>   * rhodochrosite: “Rhodochrosite is a gemstone of emotional healing, self-love, compassion and love. It is one of the most powerful gemstones for emotional healing as it directs love towards the self. It helps you to release and recover from old emotional wounds that are creating energy blockages.” (Source: https://www.energymuse.com/rhodochrosite/)
>   * peridot: “It is a high-vibrational Heart Chakra crystal that carries a positive energy, especially helpful for those undergoing traumatic emotional situations. It is the stone for Archangel Raphael and rules the realm of Angelic Virtues. Peridot has the ability to bring out unconditional love, happiness and light.” (Source: https://www.energymuse.com/peridot/)
> 

> 
> P.S. Irony sprinkles everywhere.
> 
> P.P.S. diamonds are overrated yo.


	2. Purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is the truth anymore?

You widened your eyes as you watched the rosy gem shatter on the glass tabletop. “[name]…” Koushi said, his voice strained with a guilt that unnerved you. “The potion from last year… _it wore off_.”

With those words, you felt your heart stop. You felt your breath lodge somewhere in your throat as the words echoed in your mind.

It’s been a year since he professed his love for you, a year since he decided to let go of his unrequited love for Kiyoko. It’s been a year since you believed that the defective potion was simply a clarity potion that washed away Koushi’s unwanted lingering attachments. You thought you were going to have your happily-ever-after with the man of your dreams.

 _How very wrong you were._ “Y-you’re kidding, right Koushi? Tell me this is just a cruel joke.” You said. Your voice wavered as you picked up a rhodochrosite shard. “Koushi…please… Please tell me that this whole year wasn’t a lie...” You pleaded as you held the fragment tightly. The small trickles of blood that ran down your wrist hurt, but the pain was incomparable to the chasm that was threatening to burst open in your chest.

Your form was hunched over the table, hunched over the broken remains of the engagement ring Koushi was supposed to give you. You clenched the fabric as you tried to stop your body from shaking. His silence frightened you, terrified you. You felt your skin crawl as you heard his next words.

“[name]…” His voice cracked as he looked away. “I’m sorry.”

You ran. You pushed yourself out of the building and dashed away. There was no way you could stand to be in that restaurant any longer, not with all those diners watching this train wreck of a proposal, not while Koushi looked at you with those sympathetic eyes.

In that wonderful year, you had seen his eyes light up and sparkle. You had glimpsed them crinkle in laughter. You had seen his utterly unconditional love that was reserved only for you.

 _‘Unconditional.’_ What a terrible trick. It seems that his eyes had deceived you. Or… was it your eyes that made the mistake…?

Hearing someone faintly shouting after you, you panicked. “Leave me _alone!_ ” You screamed as you pulled out your wand and rashly chanted a teleportation spell.

A dizzying step later, you found yourself nauseous and pressed against a cold floor. Lifting your head up, you grimly realized that you were in the same fucking room where you and Koushi brewed that potion only a year prior. It was ridiculous how everything seemed to be the same. The shelves were neatly stocked with vials of extracts as various papers and textbooks littered the tables and walls. The white cauldron was set on the counter, its pallid color almost blinding you in the darkness.

You staggered to the sink and vomited away your motion sickness. As you watched your half-digested eglantine soup wash away, you heard a raw, painful wail.

It was a disconcerting moment later when you realized that the wail was your very own. You sank down to the floor and began to sob. Noticing that the lump of rhodochrosite was still in your hand, you threw it against the wall and shattered it.

“It’s so unfair!” You whimpered, curling yourself into a ball as you rocked yourself back and forth. You would give anything to have Koushi comfort you again, to have him rub your back as you sought refuge in his arms, to have him whisper words of consolation as you closed your eyes and lost yourself in his scent.

But that Koushi turned out to be an illusion. Koushi never really did love you. His whispered words were all just lies. It was that damn potion’s fault. You should have known better. _You should have known better_.

And now, here you were, lying on the ground all alone. Your love was gone, possibly a friend as well. You were back to that uncertain person you were six years ago, with nowhere to belong.

“ _It’s so unfair…_ ” You murmured quietly as you closed your eyes.

* * *

 “ _[name], I know you’re there. Where are you? Are you… are you seriously going to throw away our friendship because of a stupid potion? Please, talk to me. I’m worried._ ”

 

You jolted yourself awake, your breath ragged as the familiar feeling of self-loathing washed over you. The ache in your chest started up again as Sugawara’s last voice message replayed in your mind.

You had changed your number after the incident. You couldn’t stand to hear his voice, it only served to remind you how foolish you were. The fact that you accidentally manipulated his feelings revolted you beyond belief, and Sugawara became a painful blot in your life that refused to wash away no matter how hard you tried.

That’s why you chose to disappear. You now lived in a rented apartment on the outskirts of the city. Nobody would think to find you here in the poorest of the non-magical districts. You were certainly a sight when you entered your new home. Your clothes were wrinkled, your hair in tangles, and dark circles were present under your eyes.

You hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. Every time you tried to rest, Sugawara would be there in your dreams plaguing you with his lying, gentle smile. It anguished you whenever you tried to interact with him because in your dreams, Sugawara never tried to touch you. Hugs were quickly brushed away. When you tripped and fell, there was no offering hand to pick you up. There were no friendly cheek-pinchings, hair-rufflings, or even an instance of a random tickle attack.

In your dreams, Sugawara was merely a friendly acquaintance. He became more cautious of his actions. He became wary. At one point, you had suggested the idea of eating at a local diner and Sugawara grimaced. “ _[name],”_ he had said. “ _You know we’re just friends, right? I don’t want to go a date with you._ ”

…It hurt. Not even in your dreams could you go back to the former friendship you had with Sugawara, and the realization often made you wake up in a cold sweat only to find that reality was no different. You didn’t want to feel this miserable anymore. You wanted this ache to _disappear_.

You crossed your arms as you paced in front of the empty shop before checking the clock for the umpteenth time. Eyes burning from all the tears and sleepless nights, you were desperate for some sort of relief so you had decided to work on a sleeping potion. You had hastily packed in your magical supplies when you left your dormitory, but you luckily brought along all of the necessary ingredients. All except for one: a belladew extract.

“I’m sorry, did you wait long?” A man said as he jogged up to the store entrance. You shook you head in response.

You recognized the man as Shimada Makoto, a moderately well-known individual in the magical community. He was one of the local suppliers for potion ingredients, and you had visited his store once or twice in the past whenever the Institution was running low of a certain ingredient. You only hoped that the hooded cloak you were wearing was enough to prevent him from recognizing you.

“So what is it you’re looking for?” Shimada asked as he unlocked the shop door. The keys jangled as you both entered the dim, quaint space.

“Belladew.” You replied, your voice hoarse. Shimada paused in his tracks and gave you a cautious glance.

The action was understandable. Belladew was a Level 3 ingredient and the distribution of it was carefully monitored. The extract, though harmless on its own, had it ties to many types of potions ranging from a myriad of effects, one of which included petrification.

“I’m making a sleeping potion.” You elaborated. Shimada relaxed.

“Are you sure you want belladew, though?” He said  as he began searching for the vial among the countless others on his shelves. “What about the draft with the anemonite?”

You shook your head. “The anemonite sleeping potion is only for light insomnia. I haven’t had a decent sleep in weeks.” You took the small vial from Shimada and swished the extract around. For a moment, the substance remained in its congealed, putty-like state before it slowly dissolved into a black watery liquid. “Besides,” you added quietly. “I don’t want any dreams.”

* * *

The Karasuno common room was strangely quiet, and it had been that way for the last few weeks. Many of the members voluntarily decided to study independently, despite the fact that a large number of them were terrible at bookwork. Sugawara frowned as they focused on their tomes. It was obvious that the members were aware of the engagement incident and thus were on their best behavior. While he appreciated the gesture, it also annoyed him to an extent.

It only served to emphasize the fact that something was ‘wrong’ when really, it wasn’t until recently that he was back to ‘normal.’

“Have you found them yet?” Daichi asked quietly.

Sugawara gritted his teeth as he leaned back in his chair. “No.” He said.

He had searched everywhere. He went to all of the places he went with [name] during the previous year. He went to their old hometown to see if they were there. He even asked Shimizu to send one of her tracking hounds only to have the demonic canine spin in circles before resting onto the ground.

“It seems they’ve casted a barrier.” Shimizu had stated. The implication in this was clear: [name] didn’t want to be found.

When the potion’s effects finally wore off, everything felt strange. Things appeared the same as before but when he looked at [name], their face didn’t bring him emotions of love and tenderness. Instead, he looked at his close friend and felt… guilt.

 _He_ was the one that drank the potion.

 _He_ was the one that convinced [name] that his affected emotions were true.

 _He_ was the one that toyed and manipulated their feelings.

It was his fault to begin with, Sugawara was sure of it. That seemingly benign mistake was all it took to ruin the wonderful relationship he had with [name] beyond repair.

The door of the common room clattered open and a man briskly walked in. Some of the Karasuno members stood up reflexively when they realized he was from the rival Nekoma sect.

“What is it that you want?” Daichi asked sternly. Sect members rarely trespassed into each other’s wings; to do so often meant that a confrontation would result.

“My, what a tense atmosphere you crows have in here.” Kuroo grimly smiled before shrugging. “Rest your feathers, I’m not here to disturb you. My analyst found some information that you might want to know.” He procured a thin binder and handed it to Sugawara. “It’s about [name]. They were listed among the customers who had purchased a Level 3 ingredient this week.”

Sugawara scowled as he opened the binder. Was the incident common knowledge already? He trailed down and suspiciously glanced at the assortment of letters before pausing at the mention of a familiar name. What was printed next to it made his skin prickle in apprehension.

“ _Belladew_.” He whispered.

“The purchase was through Shimada’s shop in the Miyagi District.” Kuroo stated, his voice strangely lacking its usual aloof tone. “I suggest you guys try searching the area around there.”

“And what did you have in mind in exchange for this information?” Daichi questioned. Kuroo shrugged once more with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Well, that can be discussed later, but I personally don’t think any payment is necessary. After all, this is about a fellow H.A.M. member, not petty sect secrets.” He said. “I’m busy with my own sect, so I unfortunately can’t help you crows on your search. Best of luck, though. Hope you find them.” The Nekoma leader sauntered away, leaving behind a tense silence.

It was Tanaka who finally spoke up. “Suga-san.” He stood up. “[name] is important to us as well. They’re our friend, so we’ll help you find them.”

“That’s right!” Nishinoya added. “The more of us, the more area we can cover!”

Sugawara glanced around as he saw his fellow members stand up in earnest. “Well, you’re not going to accomplish much by studying, so why not?” He gave a strained chuckle, only to find that the laugh sounded unnervingly foreign in the static air. “Thanks, guys.” He quietly said. “I appreciate it.”

* * *

Belladew. Liquid made from crushed belladonna berries magically grown under a new moon. An uncommon ingredient used in a variety of high-level potions: blindness, insanity, and death, to name a few.

Dread pulsed in his chest as Sugawara knocked on yet another door. With every passing hour, the haunting possibilities of that single ingredient wracked through his mind. He needed to find them. It was the only thing he was concerned about and the only thing that mattered. More than anything else, Sugawara wanted to fix his relationship with [name]. He wanted to make sure they were safe.

He wanted to bring them home.

The door opened.

“Good afternoon, sorry to bother you.” Sugawara said quickly. “Have you, by any chance, seen a person named [name]?”

“[name], yah say?” The woman slowly blinked. “Yeah, I’m the landlord of this apartment building, and I ‘member rentin’ an apartment to a [name]. Now, letssee… [name] would be on… ah yes, the ninth floor, 903.” She pondered for another moment before continuing. “Curious person, that [name]. Arrived a few weeks ago a complete mess, was shakin’ and near’y beyond their wits. Not sure why a mage ‘ould come in these parts, but that’s none o’ my business.”

Sugawara let out a sigh of relief. After thanking the woman, he quickly made his way up the stairs, two at a time.

It wasn’t long until he smelled a sweet aroma in the air. At first, it smelled of citrus, a light tinge of peppermint on a spring breeze. Then it transitioned to the smell of freshly baked cookies and sweets, moderately dashed with sprinkles of cinnamon. After forcing through the door of 903, the smell became an overwhelming miasma of sweetness that made it hard to breathe in. Sugawara coughed, his tongue sticky as if he had walked right into a cloud of honey.

“[name]!” He shouted when he spied them collapsed on the kitchen table. A pot was simmering quietly on the stove, the faint magical glow emanating from it all too familiar. A chill ran down Sugawara’s back when he noticed the cup [name] held in their hand, its black contents dripping onto the kitchen floor.

“[name], are you alright? [name]!” They were still breathing normally, which he took as a good sign. He tried to shake them awake only to find that they were alarmingly still asleep. “[name], what did you do?!”

It was at this moment Sugawara noticed [name]’s deteriorating condition. Their hair was lifeless and dull. As he gripped their hands, he found their skin dry and cold. Glancing around, he found that the apartment was in no better condition. Apart from the dripping puddle of black on the floor, the kitchen was littered with trash everywhere. He could even see a few unfinished meals sitting on the counter.

“[name]…” Sugawara said, his voice cracking. This was all his fault. _How could he have let this happen?_

Holding [name] close, he buried his face into their neck as his body trembled in anguish. “[name]…” he whispered.

* * *

  _You couldn’t put your finger on it, but something was bothering you. You were having a pleasant time, though. The sun wasn’t too hot, the breeze wasn’t too cold, the ice cream was sweet enough to give you shivers and you were with your most favorite person in the world._

_You could tell that Koushi was having fun as well, what with that stupid grin he had on his face as he ate his ice cream._

_“Koushi, what do you think of Shimizu?” You said suddenly. The question seemed to surprise him, which was understandable. You didn’t know why you even brought up the topic yourself._

_“Shimizu? I used to love her a lot.” Koushi replied. You nodded. You knew this already. What was the point of asking if it was just going to open the old wound again? Despite this, you found yourself prodding him further._

_“Do you still love her?” You heard yourself say._

_Koushi snorted, his hand quickly clamping his mouth to prevent a spur of melted ice cream from flying out. After carefully swallowing, he began to laugh without restraint._

_“[name], are you jealous?!” He asked with a shit-eating grin._

_You found yourself chuckling along with him. “Oh, shut up, Koushi!” You said. “It was only a question.”_

_“But really, I thought you knew the answer already!” Koushi laughed. He leaned over the table to give you a quick kiss. “I do still love Shimizu, but more as a close friend.” He said with a comforting smile. “It’s you who I love as a_ partner _.”_

_You felt a bit silly feeling so apprehensive. Koushi would never lie about something like this. You closed your eyes and thought it was pointless to worry about anything else. You were happy, and that’s all that mattered._

* * *

Sugawara took another sip of his coffee, ignoring the blood that was already pulsating in his head. Turning his eyes back onto the book in front of him, he quickly jotted down the properties of milkweed.

It’s been a few months since he discovered [name] in their deteriorating state. Ever since then, he’d been devoting all of his time trying to find an antidote. Late night research and lab work became a part of his routine, and it wasn’t long before his peers began begging for him to go home and rest.

Occasionally, a small voice inside of him would blame [name] for being so selfish. The voice would be bitter and angry with [name]’s decision to run away, furious with their decision to consume such a dangerous draft. It was just a stupid love potion. Was the mishap that big of a deal to fall apart from?

But then he remembered the moment when the potion wore off. He remembered watching [name] crumble under the realization that that one perfect year was all an illusion. Their eyes lost their brightness, their voice began to crack, and in a single instant, they began to wither away. They had opened their heart to him and he realized that, in return, he unintentionally ended up spitting upon their vulnerability.

He would end up loathing himself whenever he heard that small voice whispering. _It’s all my fault,_ he would say. _He_ was the one that cruelly manipulated [name] and any excuses or justifications would not heal the damage that he did.

* * *

_You opened your eyes and turned your head to look at Koushi, who was in the midst of reading a journal. Hearing you stir awake, Koushi smiled and placed the journal down._

_“How was your sleep?” He asked._

_“I had a dream.” You replied as you watched Koushi lie down next to you._

_“Oh? What was it about?”_

_You scrunched your face as you tried to recall them. “I don’t remember.” You said. “I think it was a nightmare, but I’m not sure.” You slid closer to him, tucking your head against his chest. “You were in it, though.”_

_You felt him laugh. “I hope it wasn’t a nightmare, then.” He said as he brushed the hair out of your sleepy face. “But even if it is, you know I’m always here for you, right?”_

_“Yeah…” You closed your eyes as you felt his breath gently kiss your face._

* * *

Sugawara opened his eyes and turned his head to look at [name]. They were lying on the bed, dead except for the steady breath that left their lips. He turned back towards the books on his desk and gritted his teeth.

 _Why couldn’t he find the antidote_?

Sleeping drafts incorporating belladew could either have two distinct qualities. For the first, the potion would wear off when the user had received enough rest, in which case they would wake up refreshed and energized. The other possible quality was that the effects would persist indefinitely until a cure was administered.

This was where the problem lied. No matter how much he analyzed the remaining contents of the draft, he could not identify all of the ingredients. Thus, it was almost impossible for him to isolate a specific cure for [name]’s condition. He had tried a variety of things, ranging from a selection of different smelling salts, to potions that elicited reactions such as laughter or hiccupping, to even mild electrocution. Not one of them worked.

The feeling of failure enveloped him and he began to shake. He tried to brush it off, tried to turn his attention back onto the research papers in front of him, but he couldn’t seem to register the words. His hand wouldn’t grip the pen correctly. The printed letters danced before his eyes.

What if there was no cure? What if [name] stayed as a sleeping husk forever? The thought of it frightened him, and he felt his throat constrict at the possibility.

“[name]…” He croaked. “ _Why won’t you wake up?_ ”

Something hot slid down his cheek. And then another. And then another.

It wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop. He tried wiping his face, but it wouldn’t stop. He tried pinching himself, but it wouldn’t stop.

Each gasp he tried to take took in less and less air. His throat felt like it was burning from all the stress.

“Wake up, [name]!” Sugawara said, his tears dripping onto their peaceful face. “Please…wake up…”

A desperate kiss was timidly placed onto [name]’s lips. Nothing happened.

He lowered his head as the tears began to overflow.

“Please wake up…”

* * *

_You opened your eyes and pulled away from the kiss._

_“No… wait…”_

_You said, as you slowly realized what was bothering you._

_“[name]?” Sugawara asked, confused._

_“No. No, you’re not supposed to be here.”_

_The wave of despair that enveloped you frightened you, and you began to remember faint echoes of things that you knew you heard before._

 

・・・・・Ｔｅｌｌ　ｍｅ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｉｓ　ｊｕｓｔ　ａ　ｃｒｕｅｌ　ｊｏｋｅ．　……………Ｓｏ　ｗｈａｔ　ｉｓ　ｉｔ　ｙｏｕ’ｒｅ　ｌｏｏｋｉｎｇ　ｆｏｒ？　・・・・・・・・・・…Ｄｏ　ｙｏｕ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｒｕｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｕｐ　ｗｉｔｈ　Ｓｈｉｍｉｚｕ？　・・・・・・・・・・・・・Ｕｎｃｏｎｄｉｔｉｏｎａｌ．　・・・・・・・・・・Ｓｕｇａ．　Ｔｅｌｌ　ｍｅ．　…………Ｙｏｕ　ｌｏｏｋ　ｂｅａｕｔｉｆｕｌ！　・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・Ｉｔ　ｗａｓ　ｐａｉｎｆｕｌ．　…………Ｙ－ｙｏｕ’ｒｅ　ｋｉｄｄｉｎｇ，　ｒｉｇｈｔ？・・・・・・・・・・・Ｃａｒｎａｔｉｏｎｓ．　……Ｗｈｙ　ｄｏ　Ｉ　ｌｏｖｅ　ｈｅｒ　ｓｏ　ｍｕｃｈ？…………Ｗｏｕｌｄ　ｙｏｕ　ｄｏ　ｍｅ　ｔｈｅ　ｈｏｎｏｒ　ｏｆ．．．？　・・・・・・・・・・・Ｈｏｗ　ｗａｓ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｄａｙ？　………Ｙｏｕ　ｌｏｖｅ　ｍｅ？　・・・・・・・・・・Ｗｅ　ｏｗｅ　ｈｅｒ　ａ　ｌｏｔ，　ｒｅａｌｌｙ．　・……Ｄｏ　ｙｏｕ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｔａｋｅ　ｏｖｅｒ　ｍｙ　ｓｈｉｆｔ？　……Ｏｆ．．．　・・・・・・・・Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ’ｓ　ｍｉｓｓｉｎｇ　ｔｈｏｕｇｈ．．．　・・……Ｓｏ　ｗｈａｔ　ｉｓ　ｉｔ　ｙｏｕ’ｒｅ　ｌｏｏｋｉｎｇ　ｆｏｒ？　・・・・・・・・・Ｃａｒｎａｔｉｏｎｓ．　・・・・・・・Ｔｈｅｒｅ！　・・・・・・・・Ｉ　ｒｅａｌｉｚｅｄ　ｔｈａｔ　Ｉ．．．ｌｉｋｅ　ｙｏｕ．　・・・・・・・・Ｔｅｌｌ　ｍｅ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｉｓ　ｊｕｓｔ　ａ　ｃｒｕｅｌ　ｊｏｋｅ．　・・・・…。。。［ｎａｍｅ］．　Ｔｈｅ　ｐｏｔｉｏｎ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｌａｓｔ　ｙｅａｒ．．．　・・・・・・Ｐｅｒｆｅｃｔ！　・・・・・Ｐｌｅａｓｅ，　ｔａｌｋ　ｔｏ　ｍｅ．　Ｉ‘’ｍ　ｗｏｒｒｉｅｄ．　・・・・・・Ｙｏｕ　ｍｅａｎ　ｓｏ　ｍｕｃｈ　ｔｏ　ｍｅ，　［ｎａｍｅ］。・・・・・・・・…Ｉｔ　ｗｏｒｅ　ｏｆｆ．　・・・・・Ｂｅｌｌａｄｅｗ．　・・・・・・Ｉ‘ｍ　ｓｏｒｒｙ．　・・・・・Ｉ　ｄｏｎ‘ｔ　ｗａｎｔ　ａｎｙ　ｄｒｅａｍｓ．　・・・・・・・・ _It’s so unfair._

 

_It’s so unfair._

_It’s so unfair._

_It’s so unfair._

 

“ _Why?_ ” The word felt strange on your lips. You could barely hear yourself; your voice sounded raspy as if it wasn’t used for a long time. You began to shake as you slowly realized that you were in the midst of a dream. “Why? No. No no no why oh _why_?!”

“[name]?” A strange voice asked you. You whipped your head to face the man you dreamed up.

“Don’t _touch_ me!” You screamed at him. “You’re not supposed to be here!!” You tripped in your scramble backwards. What went wrong? Did you add too much sugar? Not enough peppermint? Perhaps you mistook the hydrangea extract for the foxglove? Or did you manage to forget the copper amalgamate?

In any case, it was too late. You had fucked up. And now you were going to be stuck in this mental prison for who knows how long. The thought of spending an eternity in your created lie terrified you to the core. You raked your fingers as your head began to pound. “Oh no. Oh no oh no no no nO NO _NO!_ ”

It was all coming back. Sugawara’s pitiful look that fateful day. The insistent phone calls. Those bright yellow carnations that dotted every pleasant memory. The fractured pieces of rhodrochrosite. The gutting smell of digested eglantine. It was all coming back. It was all coming back. _It was all coming back._

“[name]…?” He said. You felt cold hands attempt to comfort you. He lifted your head and peered into your eyes.

It was strange. Those eyes were just as you always remembered them but, instead of comforting you, they made you feel like you were being suffocated.

“Suga…” You choked. “I can’t do this…”

“Do what?” He said, concerned.

 _“This_.” You pried his hands from your face. “I w-want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop f-feeling like everything is a lie…” Though you were holding his hands, you could barely feel them at all; it was as if even in your dreams, Suga was also an illusion. You could feel the panic begin to set in; your chest began to tighten and it was harder to breathe.

 _Not again._ You were sick of it. Sick of having everything in your life go wrong. You didn’t care for love anymore. You didn’t care about Suga anymore. All you wanted now was for this suffering to end. All you wanted now was a chance to be happy.

You closed your eyes as everything blurred and faded.

* * *

  _…I’m just so tired of this._

* * *

You took a deep breath and opened your eyes. Tears streamed down your face as you shakily gasped for air. It was brisk and cold; you felt like you were suddenly doused with a bucket of cold water.

“[name]…!” You saw strands of grey as someone leaned down to embrace you tightly. “Thank goodness, you’re finally awake.”

It took you a few seconds to recognize him. “…Suga?” You said. You lifted your head and blinked. “What’s going on, why are you here?”

A flash of pain briefly showed on his face before he resumed his sympathetic smile. “You’ve been out for many months since you drank that potion.” Ah, that’s right. You remembered now. Agitated and restless, you tried to make a potion that would help you sleep. But several months? _Did I make a mistake somewhere?_

Sugawara paused for a few seconds before forcing a smile, his eyes painful and dark. It slightly unnerved you, to an extent. “Why, [name]..? Why did you do it?”

You looked away. You felt exhausted beyond belief; your eyes were heavy from a lack of decent sleep, and your throat felt dry and parched. “I didn’t want to see you again.” You said quietly. The words felt sharp and cruel as they passed your lips. You cringed. “You kept on appearing in my dreams, and I…I couldn’t stand it…”

Sugawara didn’t respond immediately. You felt him sit down beside you for a minute or two before he took in a breath.

“I’m sorry, [name].”

You looked at him, and felt slightly indignant. “What do you mean, you’re sorry?” You asked him. “It’s my fault, _I_ was the one that took advantage of you!” You used to love his selflessness. You used to lovingly whisper your forgiveness, that it wasn’t really his fault, that everything was alright. But in this instance, a sorry didn’t make things better. You weren’t seeking an apology, you needed retribution.

“Did you really?” Sugawara retorted. “And who was the one that drank the potion? Who was the one that lied to you about their feelings and trampled on your heart?”

“But you weren’t aware of it!” You argued.

“ _And neither were you!”_ Sugawara shouted. You blinked. It was rare to see Sugawara display this kind of emotion. Something about him changed during the time you were sleeping. You took a good look at him and noticed that his eyes were dark from a lack of rest. His hands were covered in bandages and smudges of ink. You glanced at your surroundings; you were in his bedroom, but the walls were uncharacteristically covered with formulas and diagrams.

You turned to his desk and noticed a familiar mug that you had used just before you fell into your slumber. “I was still a burden, though.” You joked bitterly. It was because you fell in love with him that all this shit happened. You had easily clung to his false love, even after being initially hesitant of it. It was stupid. Every little thing you did, every little thing you felt, suddenly they all seemed so worthless and pathetic.

Stern hands gripped you back into reality. “ _Don’t say that._ ” Sugawara said in a steely tone. “You are my best friend; how could I ever _think_ of you as a burden?” He sighed and lowered his head before quietly continuing. “…I didn’t look after you all this time because I was obligated to. I looked after you because I _cared_.”

Something in his words struck you. You took a good look at him and was frightened by how fragile he looked.  He didn’t look like the confident man you once knew. He looked so incredibly _vulnerable_. “K-Kou…” You felt your throat constrict with guilt. _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ How could you forget? It didn’t matter if you weren’t in a relationship. Sugawara didn’t have to be your significant other. What was most important was that Koushi was your _friend. How could you throw away something so important?_

“Koushi… I’m _sorry_.” You said, feeling the tears burn down your face once more. “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry, _I was so selfish._ ” You felt him pull you in, and you heaved another sob as you sank into his embrace. You clutched him tightly, feeling overwhelmed by this gesture of forgiveness.

“Shh, it’s okay, [name].” Koushi hushed, his voice wavering. He rubbed your back as you gasped between your whimpers. The circular motion was soothing and for the first time in a long while, you felt your body relax. You heard Koushi murmur. “You were in pain, I understand. It’s not your fault.”

“…It’s not yours, either.” You mumbled into his shirt.

He chuckled. “I guess that’s right.” You felt him softly ruffle your hair like he did so long ago. “It was just an unfortunate accident. But the important thing is, we’re both okay now.”

“Mm.” You hummed before lifting your head. “Hey… We’re still friends, right?” The question was hesitant and unsure. Was everything really fine? Would everything really return to the way it was before?            

Koushi smiled warmly and you felt a small piece of hope swell in your chest. “Of course.”

* * *

During the next few months, you stayed at Koushi’s as you tried to shift your life back to normal. The potion had effectively frozen your body at homeostasis, but what it didn’t do was fill your stomach. As a result, the following weeks were filled with a tormenting craving for real food instead of porridge or gruel to satisfy your hunger. Koushi had said something about not wanting your stomach to explode from too much food, so you could understand why your diet was limited. Still, that didn’t mean you weren’t cranky and irritable.

Another side effect from lying in bed for months was that it was hard for you to walk. Often times, you had to call Koushi to assist you whenever you needed to go to the bathroom, which was quite embarrassing in your opinion. An unpleasant, prickly sensation would sting your toes every time you took a step, a condition you would soon call “Extreme Sleepy Feet.”

There were some perks, though. Since there was only one bed, Koushi would sleep next to you. It was quite comforting. Whenever you fell back into your old nightmares, you would feel a gentle arm wrap around you and you would relax. When you could finally eat real food again, Koushi had cooked all of your favorite foods and allowed you to stuff yourself full. (You had vomited them all up again, but it was worth it.) Ever since you woke up, many of the Karasuno members would pop by to see how you were doing and even Tsukishima managed a good-natured “Glad you finally woke up, you sleepyhead.”

You still were required to stay at Koushi’s while the authorities investigated and documented the whole potion fiasco, but you didn’t mind. Staying with Koushi day after day was fun. Even when he went back to work at the Institution all day, you didn’t feel lonely because you knew he would be back later that night.

You balanced the bag of groceries on your knee as you fished for the keys in your pocket. It’s been two weeks since you finally regained the complete use of your legs. For the most part, the sleepy feet symptom had entirely disappeared, though occasionally a bout would return every so often.

When you opened the door, however, you were surprised by the sound of a female voice.

“Suga. Would it be okay if I kissed you?” Kiyoko asked. You felt a small lurch in your stomach as you quietly closed the door. You were confused. Since when did Koushi start dating Kiyoko?

“Huh?!” You heard Koushi say. “Where is this coming from?”

“I know you liked me.” Kiyoko stated matter-of-factly. “How could I not, after all that’s happened in the past year? If you want, I can give you a kiss.”

There was a pause before you heard him give his answer. “Um…sure?”

You sank down onto the floor quietly with your back pressed to the wall. It was bittersweet, but a small part of you felt…relieved. Things had returned to normal. That was what you had wished for, after all. Of course you felt a bit heartbroken, but strangely enough the pain didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would.

The silence was broken with a sigh. “Alright, then. It was great seeing you again, Suga.” Shimizu said matter-of-factly. You heard her rustle through her purse. “I’m glad you and [name] are doing well. I have to go however; I have a dinner with someone in an hour.”

“Oh. Um, okay.” Koushi haltingly replied. “…Thanks for the kiss?”

“It was nothing, really.” You heard Kiyoko reply before she turned the corner. She widened her eyes in surprise as she just narrowly missed tripping over you. “Oh, [name], there you are!” She said, smiling warmly. Her genuine grin confused you somewhat; you would have imagined her with a bit more blush after sneaking a secret kiss. “Sorry, I have to leave right now, but I’m so glad you look better.” She glanced at Koushi before turning back to you. “Take good care of him, alright?” She said before leaving in a brisk manner.

For a few seconds, all you could hear was the clock ticking as you pondered on her words. ‘Take care?’ If anyone who was doing the caring, it would be Koushi himself. The man was perfect enough as it was; you didn’t know how you could help him any further.  “…[name]?” You heard Koushi call you.

“I’m here, I’m here.” You sheepishly replied as you came out from behind the corner. “Sorry for eavesdropping on you guys, didn’t mean to.” You chuckled before reaching into your bag. “Oh, I got the spicy mapo tofu that you wanted. Well, at least I think it is, I hope that’s the right brand.”

“How long were you there?” Koushi asked quietly.

You paused only for a second or two before answering. “A little bit before the kiss.”

Koushi looked away. “Oh.” He said. You peered at him out of the corner of your eye and felt your lip quirk up. It was a bit funny how conflicted and ashamed he looked; you knew it was because he was still unsure how to proceed while being aware of your unrequited feelings.

You flicked his forehead. “Ko-u-shi.” You sarcastically enunciated. “Stop thinking so hard about it. I’m not jealous at all.”

He looked up in confusion. “…You’re not?”

“…Well, maybe I am a little bit jealous.” You admitted before smiling. “But really, it’s okay. You’ve been crushing on her for a long time, right? My feelings don’t matter, Koushi. What matters is that you’re happy.”

He took a few moments to take in your words. “Is that really how you feel?” He asked, unsure.

“Trust me, Kou.” You sighed. “I’m tired of feeling pathetic and sad and miserable. As long as you continue being my friend, I don’t care who you love.”

Koushi frowned. “I see…” He said.

“…Koushi?” You asked. He was a lot less excited about Kiyoko’s kiss than you imagined him to be, which confused you. Wasn’t this what he had always dreamed of, a kiss from the ephemeral tamer herself?

“It wasn’t how I expected it to be.” He said finally. “The kiss, that is.”

“Well it _was_ rather sudden, right?” You said. Perhaps he had been hoping for a kiss that was a little more romantic and a little less blunt. “Maybe it’s that?”

“No, that’s not it.” He shook his head. “It’s something else that’s bothering me.”

“What?” You asked.

“I don’t know.” He bit his lip, frustration evident in his eyes. “Maybe I didn’t really love her after all.”

* * *

 

“Well, I guess that’s the last of it.” You sighed as you rolled the final suitcase into the living room. Tomorrow you would be returning back to your old dorm. The last few months had been the happiest months you could remember, but then things always had to end sooner or later, didn’t they?

But then again, returning to the Institution wouldn’t be so bad. It would be rough in the beginning trying to regain the magical ability you lost, but at least there were people who knew you and who would support you when you needed help. In fact, you felt a little bit excited with the prospect of seeing your friends every day.

You peeked into the bedroom and saw that Koushi was still sleeping soundly. He and the other Karasuno members were teetering on a magical breakthrough. As a result, he often had to work late into the night and sleep late into the day. You watched his chest slowly rise and fall before smiling to yourself. Maybe you should make spicy mapo tofu for dinner tonight. It’d be nice to share a final meal together before you left the next morning.

You made you made your way into the kitchen and rolled up your sleeves before pulling out the ingredients. You were well almost finished with the dish when you heard someone stumble out of the bedroom.

Looking over, you held back a snort at the sight of Koushi frantically buttoning up his shirt. “Where’s the fire?” You asked.

“Hinata.” He sighed. “Apparently, he accidentally triggered a mandrake and they need my help to calm it down.” _Well, you are pretty good at it_ , you smiled as you continued stirring. Koushi paused mid-button and walked over to the stove. “Is that mapo tofu I smell?” He asked before taking a deep breath. “It smells pretty good…”

You snickered. “Don’t worry, I’ll save some for you after you rescue your friends.”

“Thanks, [name].” Koushi smiled. He gave you a brief kiss before quickly running out the door.

You turned back to the stove, giving the pan a few more stirs as you thought about your plans for that night. Perhaps you would watch a movie, or start that novel you were planning to read. You were a bit disappointed that Koushi wouldn’t be home for dinner, but you took the inconvenience in stride. You gave the tofu a few more stirs before pausing. _Did he…just…_

Turning off the stove, you pressed your fingers to your lips and blinked. You barely felt the kiss register, as if the act was as natural as breathing which was odd because it was anything but.

The door creaked open slowly and the sound of meek footsteps followed. Turning around, you saw Koushi wide-eyed and flustered. His cheeks were red, his hair in a slight disarray, and one of his shirt buttons was open. “Did I…?” He asked, his voice matching the same disbelief that you had.

“You kissed me...” You finished. Honestly, you were just confused. You’ve seen this scene before. A long time ago. There he stood in front of you, with that same stupid blush on his face. This time, however, there were no love potions pulling the strings. This time… you didn’t feel the agonizing butterflies in your stomach.

“Is it…alright if I do it again?” He asked hesitatingly. “On purpose this time. I don’t want to leave that last kiss as an accident.”

“…Yeah.” You said. You watched him slowly approach you and tensed as he shyly cupped your head. You flinched as you felt his breath waver on your lips, as if this kiss would once again break the relationship the both of you had tried so hard to repair.

It wasn’t the same as before. Only a flicker of the old flame was present in this timid kiss. But then again, the fire no longer burned you, no longer consumed you. It was slower, lighter. You weren’t suffocating this time. You could _breathe_.

Your lips broke away, and you immediately searched his eyes for a confirmation that the kiss was as real for him as it was for you. Were your eyes fooling you, or were those stars in his eyes?

On his face was an expression that was unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It was as if he was looking at you for the first time in his life. His eyes were bright, his cheeks were flushed, but what drew your attention was the small smile that was slowly spreading across his face.

“How was it?” He whispered.

“It was…nice.” You laughed quietly, feeling shy all of a sudden. “I liked it.” The undying passion that you once had for him now seemed so petty and silly. It was much too strong and intense for it to last, and it had ravaged you until you had almost nothing left.

This feeling was much different. There was an unshakeable certainty to it that refreshed you, strengthened you. You didn’t have to put it into words in order to know that it was real. You never knew you needed this until now.

He laughed and pressed his forehead against yours. “I feel the same.” He said simply. “It’s strange how normal this feels. It’s hard to believe that I fell in love with my best friend. But then again, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“That’s right.” You grinned cheekily. “Only your best friend can get away with eating all of your mapo tofu.”

Koushi hardened his face. “You better not.” He said in a comically serious tone. “Or else, I’ll be forced to tickle you. _Like this._ ” You felt hands trickle on your sides and you tried to stifle your laughter to no avail. It wasn’t long before you were rendered helpless by his evil, devilish fingers.

“ _Stop, oh my god, Koushi, p-l-e-a-s-e.”_ You gasped between your cackles. With an impish smile, Koushi obliged. Instead, he embraced you once more and the two of you stood there as you both basked in each other’s presence.

This was it. After so much sadness and pain, you had finally reached The End. It wasn’t the Happy Ending you had dreamed of, but at least it was a Real Beginning. You couldn’t think of anything better, to be honest.

It was Koushi who spoke again. “[name]?” He said softly. “The mandrake incident might last until tomorrow and by the time I’m finished, you might already have left. Not that I’m against it, I’m totally supportive of you going back to the dorms and seeing your friends because it would be great for you to have other people support you and it’s not my place to hold you back but uh…”

He took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is…would you like to stay with me a little longer?” He asked. “If that’s what you want, that is…”

Your lip quirked up. Did he really need to ask? You reached up to that one loose button near his collar. After properly buttoning it, you smiled before replying.

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING TO WRITE. I STARTED THIS SEQUEL IN LIKE, NOVEMBER. AND NOW IT'S MAY.  
> The first chapter I laughed because because people were like "WHY FAERI WHY MUST YOU CRUSH MY HEART" and now my own heart is hurting, goddammit. Karma, man.
> 
> There were so many mini-arcs in this sequel that I wanted to include (if you could call it that.) Auuugh, the Snow White-esque slumber, the early onset of domesticity, the eventual mutual attraction that develops (mmm yess). But like, this was extremely difficult to write. I'm very sorry if some of the plot seems wonky. I've been putting the last finishing touches (aka the last 1000 words. o u o) these past couple of days and frankly, I'm pooped. 
> 
> The kiss was only the trigger. What allowed Reader to wake up was their strong desire to change their life. Uh.. does that make sense? I just didn't want to make it a story of how "a kiss solves everything". (But then the ending. um. yeah.. ????)
> 
> One more thing that I want to note: there's multiple different kinds of love. There's the hot, passionate, and fiery love, and then there's the unconditional, unmovable love. The latter one seems less passionate but it's the one that lasts longer. So I tried to delve into that topic. 
> 
> (Also, sorry if protag very pathetic. I always feel like my reader-inserts are. D: ) 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'm glad I finally finished this sequel. I have no plans on extending this story, I've exhausted this tale and I've also exhausted myself. o v o  
> So, goodnight! I gotta sleep!
> 
> PS. "Ooh, they shared a bed?? Did they--" NO. NOT AT THAT POINT NO, ya nasteh.


End file.
